Writing Workshop – I Believe

This post is in response to Josie’s amazing Writing Workshop prompts on her blog Sleep Is For The Weak.

I have to say that I’m not sure I’m going to publish this post – I feel all personal and squirmy just thinking about this topic. And it’s not because I don’t have anything to say about it – I’ve spoken to rooms full of young people before about what I believe – but this is different. Maybe I’ve changed – well, I certainly have, actually – but maybe I’m not as confident about my beliefs as I used to be.

2011 has not been a kind year so far. To date, I’ve lost 3 aunts, a friend who has young children has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and many acquaintances have been touched by the earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand. Then there’s the general world well-being, with the protests in Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Morrocco – things seem very out of kilter. And for some this is good – the prospect of democracy spreading to the far reaches of the world is a good thing. The reaction of despots shooting their own people because of this is not.

It is times like this that people think about their faith, or lack of it, and question what they believe and why. And it seems that even though I have been affected in a small way by what has been happening on such a large scale, I, too, have been questioning.

There are many things that have been changing over the past year. Our church is in a bit of a turmoil – our vicar left suddenly for personal reasons, and we are currently looking for a new leader for our growing congregation. Our family has expanded – our son was born in June, to join our then not-quite-2 year old daughter. After more than two years of being a stay-at-home mum, I’m venturing back into the world of work, but as my own boss this time – a propect both wonderful and profoundly, deeply frightening.

And physically I’m really not the person I used to be – I’ve lost a lot of weight due to breastfeeding and running around after two children under the age of 3. I never envisaged sharing my breasts with not one, but two children for an extended period of time, which at the moment looks to continue for the forseeable future. (At least, not doing so and enjoying it…) I’ve never had such well developed upper arms and back muscles, simply from lifting and carrying a substantial baby and toddler – sometimes at the same time. My hair is thinner, thanks to pregnancy hormones, and it has more grey in it, thanks to age. And suddenly I’ll be 40 in less than 5 years – how did THAT happen??

So how could I be the same person spiritually who confidently spoke to teenagers on a weekly basis about their faith, who sang in the choir and regularly wrote and led the congregation in intercessory prayer? I’m most definitely not. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I still profess to be a Christian. That is something that will take a lot of shaking to change. As will the fact that the church is a large part of my life. The church that I attend is full of wonderful people, who welcomed me with open arms (literally – thank you, Sue!) when I arrived in this country ten and a half years ago. Since having children I’ve lost touch with some good friends, but made more through the family-oriented activities hosted or actively put on by our church. We’ve had both our children christened in the ruggedly beautiful stone font which has been used for this purpose for almost a 1000 years. But I’ve changed. I’m no longer quite as sure of what I thought I knew. Maybe that’s to do with getting older and getting a wider world perspective. Maybe that’s to do with the prospect of having to explain it to two already very curious children. Maybe it’s just being so busy with life that it’s hard to find time to think about anything except what’s next in the daily routine. I can’t remember the last time I had a quiet moment to pray – most of the time it’s done over the dinner on the stove or shampoo in the bath or as I’m drifting off to sleep. And quite often it’s confused with the shopping list: ‘Please help so and so and I’ve got to put toilet cleaner on the delivery for Thursday…’ But I hope God understands; he’s a father, after all. And although we all know dads aren’t as busy as mums 😉 he does have the cosmos to run…

What do I believe? That there’s a God. That he loves us. That we make mistakes, and if we’re sincere about being sorry he’ll forgive us. That I need a lot of forgiveness, especially as I don’t dole it out often enough to others. The fine detail? I’m not so sure. I’m hoping to work it out, but I’m not sure I’m going to have to time…